Navigating ADHD in Romantic Relationships: Insights and Strategies
[ADHD in Relationships: Part 2]
Welcome to Chapter 3 of the ADHD User Manual—the third of who knows how many. Initially, I planned this as the final chapter, but I decided to keep going, breaking the content into shorter, more digestible posts.
Chapter 1: A Guide to Understanding Your Friends with ADHD
Chapter 2: ADHD and Romantic Relationships, Part 1
Chapter 3: This one
In the previous post of our series on ADHD and relationships, we delved into the complexities of romantic partnerships involving individuals with ADHD. We explored key themes such as:
The tendency for people with ADHD to live in their heads, leading to rumination and daydreaming
The impact of object impermanence on long-distance relationships
The connection between ADHD and ghosting behaviors
We discussed how these ADHD traits can affect relationships, offering insights for both those with ADHD and their partners. The post emphasized the importance of communication, self-awareness, and understanding in navigating these challenges. We also touched on strategies for managing rumination, maintaining connections despite object impermanence, and addressing ghosting behaviors.
Our next post will continue to explore ADHD in romantic relationships, diving deeper into additional aspects and providing more practical advice for fostering healthy, fulfilling partnerships.
Here’s what else I want you to know:
Habituation
FACT: ADHD brains crave novelty.
My brain loves the novelty that Squarespace has the underline and circle feature and that I can animate those.
Fun!
Basically, habituation is getting so used to something in your environment (like a noise) that you stop noticing it. It becomes less novel; you get less joy from it. The ADHD brain craves novelty. Habituation can cause us to appreciate even the most positive things less over time. This can sabotage our happiness and lead to us sabotaging our lives, ruining what’s good.
Habituation can pose issues in relationships when it results in one person being taken for granted or when the novelty wears off and the honeymoon period ends. This tendency often emerges in long-term relationships. One or both of you might begin to neglect the other, and habituation can lead to cheating.
Habituation In ADHD Relationships
Sometimes, people get bored and lose interest. This could happen to anyone, but the ADHD brain craves novelty. We like the chase and being chased. We like (some) surprises. Drama sometimes excites us.
How to fix habituation and boredom in relationships
Add novelty. Spice things up outside and inside the bedroom. You can google that stuff.
Try new couple’s activities such as new classes you can take together, a shared copy, or join a sporting group together.
Practice gratitude. Make a list of the things you enjoy about your partner
Read old texts or emails you sent to each other at the start of the relationship, of those you sent to friends or family about this new person in your life. If you kept a journal, that could be a good source of content to remind you what attracted you to them.
Couples therapy
Consider an open relationship. Monogamy isn’t for everyone. Do so in a respectful way, of course, and if you know little about these forms of relationships, educate yourself. I’m not an expert.
Emotional immaturity
I believe individuals with ADHD often develop later in various aspects, such as emotional maturity. One way is emotional maturity. Expressing emotions and understanding their root causes can be challenging for many, but it tends to be even more complex for those with ADHD.
Setting boundaries and vocalizing our needs can also be tough. Difficulties in communication may stem from people-pleasing tendencies, fear of rejection (hello, RSD), a lack of self-awareness, and a limited emotional vocabulary.
[Avoidance. Emotions.]
In addition to these challenges, our upbringing plays a significant role. We all, regardless of our brain type, replicate the emotional patterns we witnessed in childhood – how our parents expressed (or suppressed) emotions towards each other and us. The impact of conditioning is profound, and it's a topic that could fill a book.
What romantic partners can do?
It's a challenging issue as it cannot be easily resolved just by being aware of it. Numerous books and chapters have been dedicated to discussing the importance of expressing emotions in relationships. However, due to limited space and lacking expertise in relationships, I can only offer limited insights on this topic.
If you feel unappreciated and undervalued due to lack of communication, it's important to communicate your feelings to them directly. Be clear about how you feel, avoid vagueness, and ask questions to gain understanding. If they become defensive, that's their reaction. Keep in mind that your approach to emotional expression may differ based on your upbringing. One person might be accustomed to affectionate actions such as hugs and kisses, while the other may not.
Stay patient and when you believe the timing is right in your relationship, think about suggesting couples therapy. It could be beneficial to recommend therapy to your partner with ADHD. If they say no, maybe they’ll be ready another time and you can raise it again later on.
And don’t think you have to stay with a person who can’t communicate with you. Sometimes we need to figure our shit out.
Decision paralysis
Does this scenario sound familiar?
Partner 1: “What do you want me to make for dinner, babe?”
Partner 2: “I don’t know. Stop pressuring me for an answer!”
or
Partner 1: “Where should we go for dinner, babe? Thai? Italian? We can check out that new Korean place.”
Partner 2: “All of it? I don’t know!”
or
Partner 1: “What movie do you watch?” (Implying, “on our many streaming services.”)
Partner 2: “…”
Yadda yadda yadda.
Often, those of us with ADHD want the decision made for us. Ordering dinner is a LONG process of deciding, whether ordering delivery or sitting at a restaurant. One of the reasons I never order food for delivery anymore is that I spend so much time trying to decide the restaurant, then choosing menu items to order, that by the time the food arrives, it’s been hours since the process began.
Before I go out for dinner I look at the menu to see what I might order and then I still can’t decide. I know that some people are naturally indecisive (raises hand), but also, it’s an ADHD trait and for us, it gets stressful. Stress worsens our executive functioning, and it’s a vicous cycle. We stress, we can’t think properly. We can’t think properly, we stress.
A few years ago, it took me weeks to figure out where to have my birthday dinner. I don’t remember the resolution. I think it was mediocre takeout. I never plan birthday celebrations because I don’t know where to go or whom to invite and at the end of February there could be a snow storm or a warm spell. I HAVE planned birthday celebrations and they’ve been fun, but the planning. Oy, the planning. For birthdays, it’s easier to put up a social media post saying, “Here’s where I’ll be and when, all are welcome.”
This is one of the reasons I imagine having a small wedding one day. I know who my close friends are. A few friends, close family, a rabbi, a chupah, open bar and an awesome buffet with a midnight mac ‘n’ cheese bar. Done.
What romantic partners can do
So - decisions. Please plan date night or present a limited number of options, but don’t leave it entirely up to me because I’ll be afraid of fucking it up. Skating and dinner? Movie? (There aren’t a lot of movies to chose from.) Bowling? A trip to New York? Plan it. I know where I want to eat in New York and depending on the season, I know where to visit. (I just edited out three entire lines about New York City. You’re welcome.)
Over-stimulation
You’re planning a date for you and your ADHD partner. Please consider that sometimes, our environment overwhelms us. A loud bar, late at night, could agitate us. As it gets later and we become tired, some of us (me) act like overtired children. Imagine tantrums and irritability, your date getting easily offended and fidgety. Bright lights assault our eyes, but maybe we’re uncomfortable in total darkness. It’s our nervous system. We need to work to control that, which is exhausting. The mask becomes thinner with more agitation.
What partners can do
Watch for body language and feedback. Ask questions. If you’re the one with ADHD, tell your partner when you’re feeling overwhelmed, overstimulated, tired, or whatever it is. Share your needs. Talk about your perfect environment, or your perfect date.
We need to talk about our needs. I don’t think we do that enough.
I will almost always pass on the loud bar. I’d rather be somewhere less overstimulating where I can hear you. That’s me, though. The person you date might be different.
With the rise in neurodiversity awareness, some places are sensory-friendly. For example, there’s a Korean restaurant near me whose mission is to break down the employment barriers faced by the neurodivergent community. They offer sensory boxes and a sensory room. How would it feel if you had sensory issues and a person you really liked offered to take you there? It seems thoughtful and attentive and could lead to good after-dinner shenanigans.
And speaking of stimulation in romantic situations, this flows perfectly into a discussion about sex.
I’ll save that for the next post. Stay tuned.
